Couldn't help it, the lyrics are too beautiful.

If I could count how many times during my retreat from the world I have lied down and listened to John Mayer’s Slow Dancing in A Burning Room on reloop …. I would be damn good in Math by now.

The lyrics, the melody, they’re just so beautiful when you’re feeling that slow and gradual misery and you can’t really pinpoint what it is. I guess some lines DO reflect how I feel, but it’s just that poignant sense that you’re really looking for. Okay lyrics (with favorite parts … out of all the favorite parts of course, are itallicized. Fuck I can never spell that. Nevermind):

It’s not a silly little moment
It’s not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dyin breath of
this love we’ve been workin on
Can’t seem to hold you like I want to
so I can feel you in my arms
Nobody’s gonna come and save you
we pulled too many false alarms

We’re goin down
and you can see it too
We’re goin down
and you know that we’re doomed
my dear
we’re slow dancing in a burnin room

I was the one you always dreamed of
you were the one i tried to draw
how dare you say it’s nothin to me
baby, you’re the only light I ever saw

I made the most of all the sadness
you’d be a bitch because you can
you try to hit me just hurt me
so you leave me feelin dirty cuz you can’t understand

We’re goin down
and you can see it too
We’re goin down
and you know that we’re doomed
my dear
we’re slow dancing in a burnin room

Go cry about it why don’t you
Go cry about it why don’t you
Go cry about it why don’t you
my dear, we’re slow dancin in a burnin room
burnin room, burnin room
don’t you think we oughta know by now
don’t you think we shoulda learned somehow
don’t you think we oughta know by now
don’t you think we shoulda learned somehow
don’t you think we oughta know by now
don’t you think we shoulda learned somehow
don’t you think we shoulda learned somehow
don’t you think we shoulda learned somehow
don’t you think we shoulda learned somehow
don’t you think we shoulda learned somehow

And back is very repetitive but it has a meaning behind it too! Because you would think we would know by now, but we just never learn.

***

K so I’m fucked over by feelings again, congrats to me. How couples could stay together for so long used to be the biggest mystery to me, but now I’ve found the other greatest mystery in life: how it’s so hard to get over someone, especially when you’re not even in the same country as the person. When there’s nothing to look forward to anymore, no caresses, no random meet-ups on the street, no more physical closeness … how is it that some of us still manage to cling on to feelings and memories of the past and reproducing them day after day? What is that thing that holds two people together? I refuse to believe it’s “love” … I used to think it’s the idea of having someone to care and be cared for in return, but how does that work if the person is in a land far far away and doesn’t even do that anyway?! (I found the answer btw. Next paragraph.) Do you see how fucked up feelings are? Defying logic like it’s so smart?

The hardest thing about getting over the person, is, ironically, you start to put more hope into that person. And because the person is a guy (there really is … no better explanation for this), nothing is going to come out of it. It crushes you, it ruins you, but you still hold on to that false hope like it’s your life.

SATC has taught us that (yes SATC is relationship bible and like the bible you shouldn’t question it if you choose to subscribe to it – WHOA SATC RELIGION!) it’ll take half the length of the time we’ve been going out with that person to get over him… BULLSHIT. I’ve seen people struggle way longer than that, but then again that’s how Carrie found out in the end too. Okay she MARRIED the guy she was trying to get over she’s really not in a position to say anything.

It’s really such a strange phenomena. Like … we start doing irrational things and we start to justify all the reasons to see him/talk to him/something to do with him again, though we’re not supposed to. I remember once on Carrie’s birthday she invited Big along (I’m using all these fictional stories to avoid telling real stories of mine) WHILE in the process of getting over him and she used all these justifications saying oh it’s normal he’s a friend now bla bla bla and even her friends were like wtf is your ex-boyfriend doing at your birthday dinner. But I know why Carrie did that. I know why. It’s because it’s her birthday, and it affects her that he’s not there with her to celebrate it. If she didn’t call Big, she would have been just as miserable as when she did. Wow I’m analyzing a fictional character … great.

Moral of the story, when trying to get over a person, you just can’t win.

Fine I’ll give a personal example. I know to cut out someone from your life is really drastic, and mostly uncalled for, but if that person is affecting you to that extent that you’re out with your friends, surrounded by people, celebrating something special … and you feel like shit because of him, I think cutting out that person is a wise move. If it’s to the point where you’re killing everyone’s mood and making yourself such an emotional BOTHER to your friends, you know it’s time to take action. It’s one thing to be a pain to yourself, it’s another to be a pain to ALL YOUR FRIENDS.

K this is still not a personal example in its entirety. I have a gold medal at digressing.

So say I wanna get over someone and I decide to stop talking to him … but then I’d reason that he’s a in the circle of my close friends and he talks to my friends as often as he talks to me so it’ll be weird if we stopped talking. But that’s not the real reason. It’s not. That’s just a minor inconvenience (I wouldn’t even call it a problem) that can be solved. The truth is you just don’t want to stop and you’re just justifying why you shouldn’t, instead of why you should. It’s … stupid really. Feelings are stupid, fucked up things.

And I’ve had enough. New year, new resolutions, and this year I swear to do something about this once and for all. No more sulking (in public, I think it really does make a difference if you do in public or in private), no more self-pity, no more self-destructive actions, no more of this stupid rubbish … I’m done. I’m really done. What triggered this in me was that I didn’t want to inflict myself on my friends. They’ve always been great and there for me, and this is not how anyone should repay their friends. I know friends are like some spongy material that cushions your fall, but how many times can you expect them to be that spongy material?! Seriously.

So come 2010, I swear to

- spend more time on things that are worth spending time on

- work on career/substantial future goals rather than dwell in a silly past and hoping for a future that won’t happen

- really stop putting hope in guys. Really.

- busy myself with school projects. I find it hard to believe that an editor of Berita, the school publication, the organizer of the Teacher Variety Show AND the Helping Hands HS DanceAND with a huge publishing project on her hands would have any difficulty busying herself in work to steer away from self-destructive emotions.

- spend more time with friends/family, who will always be there when all the men come and go

- meet nicer guys

- go the gym more (it does help) (plus it’ll make you look spanking good for other guys)

- I don’t know I’m thinking of getting a pet. Like … a fish or something. I want a dog but too much hassle. But a fish would be too boring. A child would be too drastic. Maybe a hamster, but it’s semi-boring too.

- put energy into other meaningful things! Like the environment! And other social causes that I believe in (too long to elaborate here, and might sound preachy)! Do something meaningful for other people instead of being a selfish bitch

Because this is what selfish bitches do. Spend all their time delving so deep into their own feelings that it affects them so much … instead of spending their time doing things that might benefit others and ourselves for a change.

Major resolution for 2010:

QUIT BEING A SELFISH BITCH.

And … that should be it.

BROOKE STOP READING THIS AND GET BACK TO WORK. OH WAIT. WE HAVE NO WORK Hahahahahhahahaha this was for fun. We still have work of course -_- But at least there are no deadlines to meet now.

Okay that was a lie. There are deadlines, but at least there’s no teacher to kill us the next day if we don’t meet it (just over Facebook chat). OH JOY WINTER BREAK. JOY. JOY TO THE WORLD AND EVERYONE. JOY.