Things I will do now in order to prepare for a man-eating crocodile attack some day in the future

Yes I did just watch a man-eating crocodile movie, and it just occurred to me how I totally will not survive in a situation like this!! And I really don’t want to be yelled at by my fellow team mates for slowing everyone down! It’s like Sports Day all over again.

But anyway, here are some ways to train myself for a totally unexpected attack:

1. I must be thin.

In case I faint or get dragged down by the crocodile but survived somehow, some hot hunk (the movies said so) will have to carry me to safety. If I continue eating like a pregnant walrus the guy will give up half way and leave me to my death ok. Plus there is a very high possibility that I will fake unconsciousness so I don’t have to walk anymore so achieving this point is vital!

2. I must learn to swim.

Self-explanatory. Extra points for being able to propel myself at high speed from one land to another. And carry people on my back. Maybe a dog too. There always seems to be a dog in such movies. Plus will help Cornell students get their degree since they have to pass swimming to graduate.

3. I must train arms.

Urgh also somehow all these crocodile attacks involve the people climbing something like a rope. Are you kidding me I totally cannot climb a rope.

4. I must wear less make-up.

If you have a man-eating crocodile on your back the last thing you want to worry about is attracting some not-the-hunk guy in your team whose text messages you really don’t want to reply. What about the hunk, you ask? Well his girl friend just lost a limb I don’t think he’s going for looks anytime now.

5. I must wear the right shoes.

Oh man watching that guy walk into the river with his leather shoes … I swear my heart broke a little.

6. I must adapt myself to using random sharp objects lying around.

Preferably learn how to penetrate it through the crocodile’s jaw, instantly killing him, without him digesting any part of my body yet. It’s a skill that only the hot hunks have, unfortunately. If you’re just a normal-looking person your only skill in the movie is to be eaten.

7. I must not be stuck with the dog.

The dog runs TO the trouble and detects all kinds of things. It’s like, DOG, I really just wanna get back to the boat please stop taking me to the crocodile’s nesting ground.

8. I must not get eaten at any cost.

Whether by angry team mates or by crocodiles.

9. I must get those flash lights that fall into the water yet can still be used.

Handy.

10. I must LOOK like the chick that has be to saved.

Because only those people who look like they’re going to survive will survive. Like Jennifer Lopez. But that was a snake movie. Same thing.

This is the crocodile.

This is the hot hunk.

This is me.

I am SCREWED.